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Shakespearean Car Reviews

The fact is, car reviews are getting a little boring these days. So, this week on Car Talk, we started wondering… what if Shakespeare wrote car reviews?! Here are our suggestions of what the Bard might have opined:

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your legs. I need to push this damn Hyundai Accent again.

Out, damn’d spot! Unless you order the optional pet package with your Honda Element.

What’s in a name? That which we call a Volkswagen Touareg by any other name… would sound a hell of a lot better.

Aveo, Aveo…wherefore art thou rear leg room, Aveo?

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the ambient lighting package on the new Ford Focus, and Juliet can pick from any of seven colors to match her mood.

Blow, blow, thou winter wind… and by the time I figure out the iDrive’s heater controls, it’ll be spring.

And, finally…

O, what men dare do! They put not twenty-one cup holders in the Cadillac Escalade, but twenty two!

Got any more suggestions for Shakespearean-inspired reviews? We’d love to hear them! Share them right here – and thanks.

Alas, it’s Hugo, I knew it Horatio !

Me thinks thou doth protest too much. Perhaps car reviews would not need shakespearean language if the cars themselves weren’t so boring. If cars today were more like those of yesteryear (ie. Grand Torinos, Corvairs, VW things, etc.), quotable phrases from famous literary figures would not be required to generate interest.

Double double, toil and trouble; owning 10 year old Volvo.

If you people would work a little harder on your Elizabethan English, you might be able to generate something from “here’s a knocking indeed” (from Act 2, Scene III of “Macbeth”).

et tu, Buick?

what if the Bard was a call-in radio host?

"Welcome to Bard Talk. Call 1-800-2b-ornot2b. Hello. Bard Talk. You’re on the air…"
Caller: “I’m in love with this guy, but our families hate each other. What should I do?”

"DUMP HIM!..Hello. Bard Talk. You’re on the air…"
Caller: “I’m a Roman emperor, but I fear my Senators are plotting to kill me. What should I do?”

"TWO WORDS: NORTH DAKOTA!..Hello. Bard Talk. You’re on the air…"
Caller: “Why do my thumbs prick everytime something wicked comes my way?”


Caller: "I want to trade my kingdom for a horse. Good idea?
“GET A LIFE!!!..1-800-2b-ornot2b. Hello. Bard Talk. You’re on the air…”

Well, I don’t know about reviewing with Shakespeare, but you can find some non-boring reviews at - look for the Dab of Oppo column by Troy Queef.

"Hello, Bard Talk, you’re on the air!"
Caller: “This is Katherina Minola from Padua.”
“Is that with a C or with a K?”

Now is the Yugo of our discontent!

Range Rover Range Rover
send tow truck right over…

Now a twice owner
relationship’s over…

Showroom is great
for birthdays at late
but presents at present
are unpleasant…

My love has run deep
now I just weep…

Must say goodbye
for others a try.

“My love is a fever, longing still
for that which no longer nurseth the Volvo”

“Therefore my mistress’ eyes are graphite black pearl,
her eyes so suited, and they mourners seem”

“All the road’s a stage and all the men and women merely players, they have their exits and entrances and one man in his life plays many parts, his act being seven lanes…”

“Uneasy lies the head that wears the bluetooth headset”

“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
To have an old Volkswagen!”

“Cry ‘havoc!’ and let slip the the broken car onto the tow truck!”

“Tickle us, do we not laugh? Cut us off, do we not honk our horn? Wrong us, shall we not revenge?”

Oh, Lordy, this thread is like watching opera on PBS.

Actually, it’s more like watching opera on Cartoon Network.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in its petty pace like my Mitsubishi Eclipse in ‘limp home’ mode…

If you like “sound and fury”, you’ll like our new cars equipped with glass-pax!

“Let every eye negotiate for itself
And trust no agent; for beauty is a witch
Against whose charms faith melteth in blood.”

didnt have to change this one at all

Rodeo, Rodeo, wherefore art thou Isuzu Rodeo?

I think Shakespeare said it best about any car owner…“Oh what fools these mortals be…” Midsummer Night’s Dream Act III Scene II