Hey! Watch this!

The Show
21

I can think of three good ones.

  1. One of my buddies had an old beater Jeep (now mine) and he was out hodrodding it around. Something made a big pop and then it started running horrid. We figured it had eaten a valve or something as it would barely run. He was about to sell it when we realized there was a vacuum cap missing under the hood. We had just been shooting and I had a pocket full of shell casings. I figured one might do the trick. I pulled out a 9mm and it was too small. The .40 was also too small but a .45ACP did the trick and fit perfectly. That .45 casing still remains under the hood of the Jeep to this day.

  2. I was dating a girl and we were just out driving around on our third date as it was rainy and nasty but wanted to get out. I was in my 2000 Chevy S-10 4.3l and luckily had a basic toolset in the truck. I was on some rural and scenic roads in the middle of nowhere and came to some standing water over the road. I went for it and soon realized it was deeper than expected. The engine died and was hydrolocked. It simply wouldn’t turn over. I opened the door and water was coming in over the door sill. I took off my jeans and got out in thigh deep standing cold water in my boxers and started wrenching on the truck and told my GF to stay inside. She told me to call for a tow but there was not cell phone signal in this area and I wanted to see about fixing it first as the water seemed to be rising by the minute and didn’t want to leave the truck there. I pulled the intake and watched the water pour out. I then pulled the spark plugs and watched the water pour out of each cylinder.

I didn’t have exactly the correct socket extensions I needed for spark plugs and broke one of the plugs as I was putting it back in. After this, I fired the truck up after about two minutes of straight cranking and threw it in reverse, getting us out of the water. I gave it one last look and then drove it home as a 5 cylinder. White steam was just pouring from the exhaust for a few miles and I drove it easy as I had no idea about washing down the one non-working cylinder or if there was a lot of water in the oil. I got home, changed the oil/oil filter, changed the air filter, replaced the spark plug, and eventually replaced the ignition coil after a few more weeks of rough running. The engine now runs just as good as new and I seem to have suffered no ill effects. I was worried that the truck might be done for but it was fine. The engine is still smooth and uses no oil. I guess I got lucky as I have heard hydrolocking is a good way to need a new engine.

As for the GF, I felt stupid for doing this on the third date but she was impressed I was able to fix the problem in the field and drive it home. She thought it was great and she never got a drop of water on her. Standing in the cold water only had temporary effects on my male anatomy. She didn’t leave me for this and we ended up dating several more months until she freaked out and I found out I found out she was still married to another man. I knew about the three kids but not that she was still married. I thought she was a keeper after the hydrolocking incident but…

  1. Running out of gas is never a good idea. See a story about some more of my antics at http://tankonempty.com/viewstory/59 By the way, use http://web.mst.edu/~cwatkin/running_out_of_gas/ to see the pictures instead of the outdated link in the story.

Enjoy!

Conor

22

I had been driving my 1965 Allstate motorcycle for a few months when I happened to be going down a gravel road in excess of 45 mph and a thought hit me: “You know, I’ve never used my front brakes before.”

The last thing I remember was watching the speedometer going between my legs and executing a perfect three-point landing in the gravel: both hands and head. The only solace I had picking the gravel from my palms and wrists was knowing that my front brakes worked quite well.

I don’t think I ever used them again.

23

A few months before my 16th birthday, my grandfather willed me a 1980 AMC Spirit hatchback. I could not wait to drive this amazing car of my own, and zoom independently around town like a few of my friends who already had their licenses.

28 days after receiving my driver’s license, I was driving my Spirit, with a friend in the passenger seat, and following behind another friend who was driving his 1976 Toyota Celica. As I was admiring the sporty appearance and handling of my friend’s Celica, I thought to myself, “This Spirit handles just like a sports car.” (Why I thought this, I have no idea). As we approached the next tight corner, I turned to my friend and said, “Hey, watch this.”

Due to the high speed, and the Spirit’s aging shock absorbers, the tires bounced over bumps in the corner like basketballs. I over corrected, and the Spirit jumped over the center median, striking head-on a brand new 1987 Pontiac Firebird, driven by another 16 year old driver, who was taking his father’s brand new muscle car for a secret joyride.

The good news is everyone was just fine, despite some seat-belt burns, sore necks, and lacerations from the tongue lashings we got from our fathers.

24

I was helping a friend clean out an overgrown empty lot in Texarkana, Arkansas. Being the bright and industrious 17 year olds we were, we decided to get the brush pile burning very quickly. So, we used gasoline, of course, because we were budding grease monkeys, and there was a lot of it lying around. My friend poured the gasoline on the heaping pile of brush in the Arkansas summer heat, causing a lot of fumes to develop. My friend turned to me with his cigarette lighter in hand and said, “Hey, watch this.”

The boom could be heard for blocks. My friend was just fine, despite not having any hair left on his arms, legs and forehead.

Never use gasoline to start a fire!