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Tom and Ray

Just this morning Tom and Ray embarassed themselves when they failed to comprehend a satirical Letter to the Editor from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, trading in the “Arkansans are stupid” meme while displaying a monumental lack of insight into the English language.

Fellas, we Arkansans understood it was satire.

How dumb are you?

Roger Hall
Little Rock, AR
Saturday, June 2, 2007

I will second that opinion. I too read the Arkansas Democrat/Gazette and to imply that the editor of the “Voices Page” also could not comprehend what the writer was saying, says a lot about what some think of the average Arkansan. Please do not judge all of us by Bill and Hillary!!

I was thinking of posting something like this earlier today no less.
My tale begins a few days ago when I last had my Chevelle out, monday. I had my headlights turned on because it was getting kinda dark outside when I was driving home, and I’m kinda anal about driving with my headlights on anyways. well, I pull into the garage and I coulda swore I pushed the lever back in. I get in it today(saturday) to go to town, but it wasn’t even making any noise. I look over and the lever had been pulled out, my headlights were on until the battery died. Well, luckily enough my driveway is done up in a way that I could pull my civic up in the grass and push my chevelle out of the garage and put them side by side. I get the chevelle started up fine and let it run a few minutes while I re-situate the civic in my driveway. I take the car out for a nice long drive(over 10 miles) to the grocery store(atleast it’s not a TOTAL garage queen :stuck_out_tongue: ) hoping the alternator would have charged up the battery enough. Well, I was inside for a few minutes, ran into one of my old friends from school(feels weird saying that, but it has been almost 10 years now) and chatted with him for a bit and show off my car. I go to start it up for him and his girlfriend to hear, but the battery had died again. Told him he was a curse cause I think the last time I seen him my civic’s battery had died and I needed a jump then too. So, after I get jumped, I take it out to Advance auto parts and go in asking about their battery test. It wasn’t even 5 minutes later after she hooked it to the machine, she said it was too low to test, so I got a new battery for it. I had been out there less than an hour before hand to grab some oil and tranny fluid for said Chevelle and I had a nagging feeling I should got a battery when I was there. But it was kind of a good thing because they put the battery in for free.

Now, if someone could tell me why my right turn signal won’t blink when I have my headlights on, but will blink if I don’t have them on… :stuck_out_tongue:

Here’s one for ya! A true story my sister just told me. My brother-in-law loves restoring any car sporty and foreign. He has been working on this Lotus in his garage for a while now. He needed to check some electrical stuff, so he got out his meter and grounded it to a wire near the bumper. Been working with the meter on this wire for a month before he noticed a little foot popping out near it. With further inspection, he finally realized he had grounded his meter to a dead rat’s tail! He claimed it looked just like a braided wire. Now he knows what that bad smell was…

Wonder if it was alive at the time, he just didn’t notice it.

i am not part of this story so i’ll tell it, its not a specific story but a string, about my famlies 5 colored impalia, this was my grandfathers last car(god rest his soul) and i inherited it, however i did not have a license at the time so my family drove it along with my aunt, fist it was white, factory color, then my aunt got a led foot…in reverse, and half the back bumper went black, then my mtoher had a led foot period, and you know those big concrete poles painted bright yellow to warn you they’re there, got that on the front, then my older sister decided it needed some grey and ran into some cinder blocks that later i couldn’t brush off, imbedded i guess, then we got some orange plastic hanging off the undercarrige from some hazzard cones…my grandfather left me a buetiful car, my family didn’t, hope this was funny enough for you

#1 Bought an ear of sweet corn at a street festival in Iowa. Need salt, pepper, and of course, plenty of melted butter. The vender had provided a bottle of clarified liquid butter, so I put a big dab on, and took a bite. Tasted a little funny, so I took another bite. Still funny, so I looked at the bottle. Liquid hand soap.

#2 My uncle had a bottle of mint flavored mineral oil. His college roommate found it, liked it, drank the full bottle. Some time later, he had to pass gas, or so he thought.

#3 Customer is looking for a place to dash his cigerette. I offer him an empty soda can. He is reluctant, afraid that someone will drink it. No problem, the can is nearly empty, it’s my soda.

Several days later, my cousin, who had a bad habit of finishing off other’s drinks, found the can. Ghaak!, his cheeks puff out, and he makes a mad rush for the door.

The headlights/flasher question is pretty easy. Look for a ground problem.

Dear Tom & Ray -

My amazing mother very capably and wonderfully juggled a home, husband, four children, pets and all of the various activities, boo boos and surprises that came with the each and every one of us. Suffice to say she was always very busy and usually doing several things at once.

Occasionally would we hear her cry out in horror when she was in the bathroom … that’s when we knew that Mom had mistaken the Desitin Ointment for toopaste - again.

Margaret Gibson
Monroe, WA

My dad used to tell this tale about my brother Jerry, who, at age five,would watch Dad shave and put on hair oil. He liked the fragrant goo the barber put on him at the shop, too. So one day, he climbed up to the medicine cabinet and found some kind of liquid to put in his hair and Dad found him dancing and howling. Turned out it was Sloan’s Liniment, probably 100% alcohol, plus some other irritants like menthol; good for ankle sprains but not for the scalp.

Long ago, when i was a contact lens wearer, I used, and re-used, the little pocket-sized plastic bottles for eyedrops, and, unfortunately, I also used those bottles for other things, too.

So, the one day when I unhesitatingly used the little bottle that had rubbing alcohol in it for eye drops in my lensed eye, it only took a fraction of a second to realize something was wrong. Did you know that rubbing alcohol tends to dry out things like eyes?

After calling poison control, I removed the contact lens and then had to lean over the bathtub to constantly rinse out my eye with water for quite a while to try and ensure no lasting damage, while using at least one hand to keep the eye open. It remained uncomfortable for a couple of days, but then it was okay!

Once, when in college, I went to the olympic-size pool during open-swim hours. I wore what I thought were nylon briefs that could double as swim trunks. I didn’t anticipate that, because they were white, they would be fairly see-through when they were soaking wet.
I was there swimming, diving, etc… for quite a while before going into the locker room to change - that’s when i saw myself in the mirror and noticed what everyone else had noticed before. Nobody said anything…
Were you there?

Apologize in advance, if this story embarrassed you.

Almost 11 years ago, I used to work for car manufacturers as a test driver with colleagues. Usually, we drove pre-production models in the closed course for evaluating the several variations of the engines/suspensions/etc. Sometimes we were required to drive some production models for the final check, and one of the long-run testings turned out to be a hell.

Prior to this test, the engines/ transmissions/ differentials and other components are already qualified the individual tests, and in order to re-create the condition on the car you have to keep the car running at the steady pace until the gas runs out. So some wears a diaper, some uses a zip-lock bag as an emergency external tank. I’d prefer the latter it is because, it’s not that difficult to handle the tank without fumbling it while driving at steady state. On the other hand I’ve never get used to the feeling of diaper especially in the hard conering.

As you might have expected, one of the colleagues underestimated this testing and finally he broke, not once but twice on the different car. Since we have had no spare cars so that had to suspend the test program due to lack of equipment.

All I know is, he bought out the car(the one suffered severe damage).

My sister had a small alligator named ‘Alexander’. One morning she found it stiff by the open window of her bedroom. Knowing that they are cold blooded she decided to warm it up in the oven using the heat from the pilot light – about 80 degrees inside the oven. Shortly, after my mother came down and prewarmed the oven in preparation for cooking and accidently cooked ‘Alexander’. Thus ended the tail of ‘Alexander’.

When I had worn out my first set of tires on my 98 Camry, I decided to replace the doughnut spare with a real full sized tire. I saved the best of the four worn out tires, went to a junk yard, bought a rim, went to a tire store, had the tire mounted and balanced, came home, opened the trunk and discovered that the Toyota came from the factory with a full sized spare. I call it my spare spare story.

I was driving under the speed limit, so I was surprised when I heard a state trooper sirening for me to pull over. He came to the window and does the “Do you know Why I pulled you over?” “Nooo…” “You have no front license plate”. What?? I had a rear one on, but didn’t think the DMV even gave me a second plate. I started to tussel with the officer, insisting that I was never given one, then getting the talk on how only commercial vehicles get one plate and it is illegal to drive a car with no front plates and what not. I eventually got sent home with a seatbelt citation and $69 fine.
Two weeks later I was getting ready to go to the BMV and get a second plate and maybe an apology because the whole incident ended up costing me seventy bucks. I decided to check the back places just in case I missed something. Go figure, I had slid both plates into the back slot… call it the blonde moment of the year…

Dear Tom and Ray,

When I was in high school back in the 80’s I lived with my grandmother and great-grandparents in Warren, Michigan. My great-grandparents, Dominic and Jeannie, were old country Italians. My grandfather had a very heavy accent and godfather like demeanor about him… well, my grandmother’s were typical in the great love of bingo. They had all the necessary items for bingo success as well. They had there good luck charms and their green bingo marker stamps which came in about 6 oz bottles that had a roller stamp on the top. My grandfather had mistaken the bingo marker for his underarm deoderant on day and emerged from the bedroom with his white undershirt on and armed raised in the air while he yelled for his wife…he was mad because he thought she actually bought deoderant that would turn your underarm green. We all died laughing.

A long time ago, the New England Journal of Medicine (from your fair city) published a letter describing a woman who came to the emergency room because she had passed out. Ultimately, it turned out she had brushed her teeth with her husband’s nitropaste (a paste with nitroglycerine, meant for skin applciation in people with chest pain from coronary atery disease).

Tom from Pelham

This is along the same lines as your sno seal story (at least the same body systems at work!).
When I was a little girl living in New York, I had a bad upset stomach and diarrhea. My mom worked full time so she asked my grandma to stay with me. Grandma was a lovely person but her eyesite left much to be desired. My mom told my grandma to give me a tablespoon of Kaopectate every time I had a loose poop. Unfortunately, mom did not leave the bottle out so my grandma was forced to look through the medicine cabinet for something shaped like the Kapectate bottle. She found Calamine Lotion… by the time my mom got home, she didn’t know which end of mine should be over the toilet and which on the floor…it was AWFUL! Grandma got new glasses.