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10 Really Bad Puns

For the truly groan-inducing ones, persevere past the first 5. Enjoy!

  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoon’s. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

  7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

  8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it’s good……) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Very punny. A guy heading home for Christmas stops in a diner for breakfast. He orders Eggs Benedict. The waiter returns with his order on a hub cap. The guy asks why and the waiter replies, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

This one from the sixties. A hippy suffering from anxiety attacks went to see a psychologist, who offered him a joint to calm him down.

He refused, stating that he did not want to use a mind-expanding drug while his head was being shrunk!!!

How about the pitcher Mel Famee? the opossing team bought him numerous beers the night before the playoff game, and won! It was the beer that made Mel Famee walk us!

Or the Indian tribe in Indiana, 500 total population, when a tornado wiped out their apple orchard, The appleless Indian 500!

Any one remember Ftroop? and the Hokowi indians? They were a nomadic tribe, and when asked how they got their name, white man asked us what tribe are you? they answered Where the heck are we?

I just spent a fortune on my dog at an animal psychology clinic. It started when my dog began fooling with the piano. He actually wasn’t doing too badly until he attempted to play Schumann’s A minor piano concerto. Schumann specified that the second and third movemet were to be played without pause, and it blew my poor dog’s mind trying to figure out how to play these movements without using his paws.

Great, Now I gotta throw one in.

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables. He asks the bartender if he can have a whiskey and the bartender says “sure…just don’t start anything!”

Did you know that when chemist die…they barium?

I am reading a really interesting book about anti-gravity…I just can’t put it down.

When a clock is really hungry…it just goes back four seconds.

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.”

A termite walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, “Where’s the bartender?”

This one from the Middle Ages. We all know about Marco Polo and his father from Venice, who traveled to China and spent time in the Court of Kublai Khan.

When they returend to Venice after more than a year they had fabulous stories about China and proposed that Venice should start trading directly with the Chinese. However, the Venice city council was very skeptical and were totally blind to the possibilities.

They were the very first Venetian Blinds!!!

The French were finally defeated by the British in North America with the battle of Quebec. The English General Wolff led the charge on the Plains of Abraham.

However, the French felt mistreated and have been “crying Wolff” ever since!

If at first you don’t succeed, try pitching.

Girls I have known puns…
She was the daughter of a moon shiner but I loved her still.
She was the daughter of a race track owner and all the horsemen knew her.
She was the daughter of a monument builder but took everything for granite.