July 4, 2014
somewhere in the midwest
“I Needed An Appropriate Outlet For My Rage, So I Thought: ‘That Bastard Ripped My Heart Out; I Think I’ll Rip A Stump Out’,” Says Mother Of Two.
An unnamed woman in her late 40s successfully ripped a small Yew stump out late Friday afternoon, damaging the latch on her minivan’s back door.
No other inanimate object was hurt.
In a statement to the press, the woman said, “Trust me, this was the safest and sanest idea that I had that day. All of my other ideas necessitated a lot of cleanup with bleach, and I’m too tired to mop up any more messy body fluids. Now, all I have to deal with is a door that won’t close.”
When pressed, the woman admitted that her fury was misdirected; it stemmed from a failed 20-year marriage, no career, no money, and the realization that an extremely painful year-long pelvic infection had been caused by her ex-husband’s prolific frolics with an Asian prostitute named “Roni”.
“I know it wasn’t the van’s fault that my former husband is a diseased man-whore, but somehow, it all made sense at the time - I mean, he did text me that he was abandoning me for his motorcycle, and somehow the whole motorcycle/car/minivan thing fused into one concept in my head. I never have really liked anything with a motor. And it felt so good when that stump finally broke free…although I have to say that perhaps attaching the tow chain to the U-shaped latch thingy on the back floor of the minivan wasn’t such a sound idea.”
The woman is now contemplating further anger management in the form of taking a hammer to the U-shaped latch; in the meanwhile, opinions as to how to fix the latch without breaking the bank can be posted to the address below.