We went through the driving thing with my wife’s father and my neighbor with his mother and it mental agony at best.
I went through it with both my mom and my dad. It’s an extremely difficult and painful process. There are no easy answers, and anyone who says the answers are black & white either lacks the experience of having gone through it or has a heart of stone. When you take away someone’s driving privileges against their will you’re taking away their freedom, and also forcing them to confront the fact that their best years are behind them. I can testify from both the perspective of the caretaker and the perspective of someone who has had to face declining health due to age that the process is extremely difficult. I hope that when I get to the point where I can no longer drive I’m living on a bus line… 'cause I’d just as soon get hit by one and get it over with.
@Bing.
The idea as asked from OP is not to keep all impaired drivers off the road. It’s to save your loved ones from possible harm.
At @Mustangman
And, if need be, it goes beyond that. If an elderly parent has dementia and can be a harm to themselves, putting pressure even from a unified perspective is not always enough. Those with power of attorney in the family following the wishes of those who have the best interest of the parent at heart in the same way your parents did for you, do what they have to, regardless of what the elderly parent wants.
A friend has a son who was a NYC police officer and one of his regular and most unpleasant duties he had was retrieving the bodies of elderly who were left on their own to die in their own apartments of starvation and neglect. Many of these wonderful people could have lived many more years in productive lives in assisted living had their families made the right choices. When the PD notified thier families, they often just said…wel we thought our parents were fine.
My neurologist often has to tell people they can’t drive (seizures, typically.) He alluded to some legal process in which he notifies the California DMV that they are incapable of driving. I don’t know whether these are cases where he has been asked to make a determination, or whether it is just part of his job. He said it’s one of the hardest parts of his job, telling people they can’t drive.
Anyhow, involving the father’s doctor may prove useful. if he can actually get the driver’s license pulled I don’t know, but I hope the father is still competent enough to listen to what his doctor says. The wife and kids aren’t authority figures like a doctor is, especially to older folks. My mom never questions her doctor’s authority.
I haven’t been able to drive for some time, but it was perfectly obvious to me so no one had to convince me. Luckily San Francisco has very good public transit and I’m in a well served location. I can’t imagine living in a small town. Or the countryside. I’d feel stranded.
The only problem with pulling a license is, some still drive when they have access to a car. They then only get confronted with a cop when they are in an accident, then often too late. It’s ke a child with a dangerous toy when some of the elderly loose their ability to reason. Loosing Driving capabilities still allows you to take the responsible action and give up cars on your own. Some just can’t do it responsibly. You would be surprised how many people in general drive with suspended or invalid licenses.
This is not an easy problem to deal with. I remember driving with a co worker who drove 5 miles under the speed limit all of the time. One day I asked him why he did. He responded that he could not afford to get picked up as he physically misplaced and lost his license. When I suggested he just go to the DMV and get it replaced, he said, “i can’t. I lost if four years ago.”
It’s hard to believe that the guy who lost his license 4 years ago couldn’t just go in and say he just lost his license. How can they prove he lost it 4 years ago? He’s been breaking the law for 4 years and he can’t lie to the DMV to get it replaced? Very strange.
@jtsanders
"Very strange" aptly discribes some of this guy’s ideas. I doubt he ever insured his cars either as he drove only beaters and you need a valid a license to do that…I doubt too it was just four years ago either when he told me. The truth is, you can go a life time and if you never get into an accident or speed etc. you will never have to show your license except for a few mundane puposes for identification.
“Very strange” was this guy’s middle name. Btw, you can’t really lie to the DMV, they have your records. They know when it was last renewed and your date of birth. 4 years IMho, was just for public consumption…;).
He is also the same guy I referred to who lost all the fluid in his hydralic clutch master and still drove his manual around for two weeks till I refilled it for him. He loaned me his pick up one day and said, " don’t worry about the oil pressure light going on, it goes out if you drive fast enough "
I’ve had to go through this w/one of my parents, so I know its a tough one for you and your entire family. Especially tough for his wife to deal with I expect.
Still, I think the most simple method is to work with his wife on an arrangement where she keeps the car key hidden at all times. No key, he won’t be able to start the car.
This may create other problems though. Dementia patients get extremely frustrated – as might be expected, think you cranky you yourself get when you forget where you left your keys and in a hurry to go for an appointment. So your dad might get angry if he knows his wife is hiding the key. That’s not a good thing.
So what are the other options? hmm … well, one is just take the car away from both your parents, and tell your mom to call for a taxi or take the bus when she needs to go somewhere. And of course someone in your family can act as a taxi at times too if that’s possible.
The only other option is to ask an auto-electric shop to install a secret switch somewhere that will disable the cranking system. And only your mom will know the location of that switch. I did something similar on a car I had in high school, where other kids started to break into my locker, take the car keys, and steal the car for a joy-ride. After I installed the secret switch, they broke into my locker once, found they still couldn’t start the car, so that was the end of that problem.
When I moved to Texas after retirement, an old neighbor was my friend. He eventually developed dementia, like his late wife and all their parents did.
He was a safe driver. He just got lost and didn’t know where he was. Seriously. But, being lost, he didn’t cause wrecks at all. His family did take his keys. When I was there, I would take him and we’d go out driving around to various places.
I believe some GM cars have features designed for parents that could be useful. The keys are identified so the car knows who is driving. You can impose a maximum speed and even create a kind of invisible fence defining areas the car can’t drive in. I don’t know whether these features would be useful in this case, though they would be a way for him to have a key that would let him drive a few blocks from home, if that was safe. The OP’s father may have reached the stage where he can’t drive safely even with limits. His current rebellious stage will eventually pass, too. Then he may not even remember he has a car and will be unlikely to look for his keys if they’re taken away. Enjoy his feisty personality while you can. It may cause worries, but at least it shows personality.
My mom, who is anything but demented, has already (at 85) voluntarily limited herself in to short trips on local surface streets. We knew she’ll not be a problem when the time comes to stop. OP, best of luck with your father. I’d enlist as many people as possible to tell him he must stop, that he has no choice. Doctors, old friends. If he here’s it from other than his family he may take it better. Does he know any cops or ex-cops who would be willing to have a short chat. Just t I remind him of the many risks of driving and how easily he could hurt someone or be hurt. An EMT would also be great, if he knows one.
Hysterical! I cannot believe the wheels on the shopping cart stayed on at road speeds! They must have been turning like crazy. A 6" dia wheel at 30mph would have to be turning almost 100,000 rpm. Insane!
“A 6” dia wheel at 30mph would have to be turning almost 100,000 rpm."
No, it would be turning 1,680 rpm.