Ok, good news I'm not an idiot. My voltage check wasn't reading right because the main ground off the battery cable to below the engine was corroded as all get out and the wire insulation was exposed and fraying!. I did the laborious task of getting it off, cleaning off the corrosion with a wire brush, snipping of the extra wire, wrapping it in half of a lb of electrical tape, bolting it back on to the ground point and now I'm picking up DC voltage on the thermostat sensors, instead of just the light. Infinitely more helpful!
Well, the lights speak to the voltage. Thermostat A(behind engine) had a whooping .4 volts at first and at second test it came all the way up to .8 something(Woot.) Thermostat B(in front of engine) was testing at 10.58 volts...not too bad but still low.
The positive battery terminal is in okay condition. I'll probably clean off the wires that bolt to the clamp on the battery. I thought about replacing it, that one looks tough to replace and I don't really feel like paying the dealer $70 for new battery cables. I probably won't replace it unless I can get it used.
Updated: I tested the connector that go's to the driver's side fan. Seems now that I have a proper ground from the battery it's reading at a steady .4 volts, the same as the thermostat A, which I think if I'm not mistaken controls both fans. I shorted this days earlier and the passenger side fan came on, but the driver's side didn't.
The wires to the relays both read 12 volts, but the connector to the fan is getting .4 volts. Am I missing something?