Your experiences with the dealership are, sadly, not uncommon. And the “23 point check” comment is typical of the type of stunt dealerships pull to try to generate revenue with unrequested/unauthorized work. I agree with your conclusion regarding dealerships.
Re: the downloading of fault codes via the diagnostic system; some places will do it for free. Others charge a nominal fee. It varies by area and by store.
Give hubby’s guy a chance. Marital harmony is important too.